Pee Pants and God

I think that it is really good idea to keep an extra pair of pants in the trunk of your. They don’t take up much room, it won’t cost you much, and the possible benefits could be immeasurable. Here’s my thinking: I know that you probably don’t pee in your pants very often, but what if you did? Sure you could try to pretend like you just spilled water on yourself, or that you have really sweaty balls, but who would honestly believe this—especially considering the fact that urine has a smell that is both powerful and distinct. So if you pee in your pants, what do you do? You tell your boss or friends or coworkers that you just peed yourself and you need to go home to change? Goodbye promotion, self esteem, respect. Now, had you planned ahead and put an extra pair of pants in the trunk of your car, it’s a whole other story. All you need to do is go out to the car, change into the clean pair, and you’re all set. Basically, the point is, throwing an extra pair of pants will cost you nothing. Should you carry an extra pair and never pee your pants, fine. No harm done by carrying the pants around. Should you carry around the extra pair and pee in your pants, you’re saved! Crisis averted. Now, should you not carry the pants and not pee, well, you’re ok, but you haven’t really gained anything. And, should you not carry the pants and have an accident, wow, sucks to be you. Think of the extra pants like an airbag: you probably won’t ever need it, but if you do, it can be a lifesaver.

Here’s the story of Cain and Abel (more or less):

At this point in the Bible, God has already kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. Unlike the Garden, the world outside isn’t brimming with fresh fruits and vegetables that they can just pick and eat. Adam and Eve are forced to raise their own food. This is understandably hard work, so they decide to have children who can help them out. They have two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain and Abel are good providers and the family thrives. In an effort to bring some variety to their diets and to get more accomplished, Cain and Abel split up the farming duties. Cain, a better farmer, decides to devote all of his time to raising crops, while his brother takes care of the livestock. Things continue to go well. One day, Cain and Abel decide that, hey, life is good, why don’t we get an offering of thanks to God? So each devotes the next year to doing the best he possibly can at his chosen task. At the end of the year, Cain selects his 10 best bushels of corn and Abel selects his 10 fattest sheep and, excitedly, they offer them to God. God looks at the sheep and he is blown away. “Wow! Abel! Wow! This is the best, most thoughtful gift that I have ever received. I can’t express how happy I am. This is just awesome.” Then sees Cain’s corn, and his jaw drops. “What? Is this…corn? You’re giving me corn? What the fuck? Why? This is shit. Who wants corn? No one wants corn. I am God, you think that, if I wanted corn, I couldn’t just make some appear? This is the worst gift that I have ever received. You are a total idiot.” So then Abel gets all smug and starts laughing at Cain. And Cain kills him.

Now, granted, killing someone isn’t the appropriate response to being laughed at, but still, you have to admit, God kind of dropped to ball on this one. I mean, Cain tried his hardest and gave his best crop to God. It’s not like he knew that God hated corn and offered it to spite him. No, he legitimately wanted to show his appreciation and he got laughed at and called an idiot. This is totally unfair. Hasn’t God ever heard “it’s the thought the counts?” I mean, what if on Christmas morning, your parents told you that they loved the presents that your little sister had given them, but they hated yours. And not did they hate your present, but they hated you? I don’t think there’s anyone in the world that wouldn’t consider this to be bad parenting.

So what is the moral of this story? I think it’s that life really isn’t fair. Everyone can try as hard as they want to be a good person, make all of the right moves, do all the right things, etc, but in the end, some people will have a happy life, and some are doomed to suffer. There’s pretty much no rhyme or reason to it. You just do your best and offer it to God. And he either likes it, or he spits in your face.

And this is actually pretty reasonable. It lines up with the belief that any who don’t declare Jesus as their lord and savior are doomed to hell, right? People born in the right places (i.e. Western countries) are likely to be the ones that just happen to have chosen the gift that God wants. People from elsewhere (Hindus, Muslims, Bhuddists, etc) just drew the short straw. They can live perfectly good lives, but in the end, it’s still only corn that their offering. And God’s a lamb man.

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